mumblings

oh, hello blogspot eve...haven't seen you in a piece...

it may surprise you to know this, but i pray. i do (i almost wrote 'pry', but that's not what i'm really going for here - and i only do that if i must). every night before i fall asleep i pray. doesn't matter if i'm in my bed or a hotel or if i've passed out somewhere else entirely, i pray. hell, it doesn't really even matter to me that i'm not sure 'who' or 'what' hears my prayers, i pray. nightly. this is what i do.

generally speaking, it's the same thing every night and though the verbiage has changed, the meaning has been the same since college: safety, health, and happiness for the people i know and the people they know; good health and security and daily happiness for my grandparents specifically; and then if there's something else it gets tacked on at the end. generally these are 'asks'. the whole prayer is an ask, really. that i wish for the universe to keep my people (and the people of my people) well and happy and doing good stuff. and if i tell you 'you are in my thoughts and prayers' i damn well mean it.

this has worked out. i mean, everyone has their ups and downs, little (and sometimes big) moments of duress. you can't promise anything, of course, but it is my hope that my little prayer thoughts actually send little good things into the universe. and that these little good things somehow, magically work in the favor of those around me, and myself when i need it.

in that sense, it's sort of like that episode of friends (my god, i'm referencing friends) where phoebe says that there's no such thing as a truly charitable act since doing charity work or 'charitable' things always benefits the person doing them. and my little prayer thoughts help me sleep at night, so yeah...okay, she's right. it just doesn't feel like an asshole thing to do even if it is.

like i said, this has worked out. as sonny perdue prayed for rain (and gee golly, if we didn't get it in 2009), i have prayed for a little security, a little guidance on what it is i am doing and 'should' be doing. and i've gotten both. a lot of both, actually, in the last year.

i have been literally overwhelmed with things to do. in a really good way, since all of these things to do are things that i really enjoy doing. and all of them - in one way or another - have led to some element of self-discovery. this is good. of course, this also reinforces one of the main reasons i didn't want to go into acting back in the day: that self-improvement is the only improvement and it just seems like i should be improving the world at large instead of my own little bubble. that's another entry/round of therapy...

anyway - all of these opportunities, after receding slightly, have given me a moment to look around and feel really, really grateful. grateful for the opportunities themselves, but also to be surrounded by people who are willing to give me a chance on whatever. this is nice. it's really, really nice. and it is my belief that, eventually, i'll be able to help the people who have helped me in one way or another. that some of the generosity they've lavished on me will be shown to them ten-fold. this is my ideal version of the universe.

so i have tacked on a new permanent fixture to my nightly prayer: a thank you. generally to the universe (or whatever entity pulls the strings in the universe, if you prefer) for giving me stuff. stuff in terms of job/financial security (tenuous though it may be) and stuff in terms of whatever i get. because, really, you only get what you get and you can only change you, not what you get. that's it. and in an effort to be more proactively grateful, i am actively thanking the power(s) that be for whatever i get. and for having the brains to do whatever the hell i want with the various things given to me.

blah blah blah...

thank you. two little words. one big universe. Thank You for being so damn pretty, universe and for being so nice to me. be nice to everyone, okay? Okay.

good night.

letters make words

dear life,

i hate to disappoint you, but it looks as though we won't be talking again until march. it's not you...it's jsut that...

well, frankly, at this point i'm fairly certain that the 'you can have it all' NOW-ladies were not addressing theatre artists. no, as a matter of fact, i can't seem to have it all. i can have a career and earn money enough to provide basic necessities, which is fun and fulfilling in its own right, or i can have a life that i can't afford. there's no sharing.

sorry. just un-loading. it's not that i'm ungrateful - i'm not -it's just hard to be constantly working against a calendar/time and space, nu? Nu.

look, life, if i figure out how to pencil you in, i will. but in the meantime, can you just be happy that we're using our degree? like, daily and with the emphasis that we had in college obtaining said degree? can we? okay. thank you for that.

and enjoy Women + War.

evel

a series of open letters

dear life,

wow...it's been awhile, huh? well, guess what. i've had a series of startling revelations and apparently, i'm an actress. it's weird, i know.

what's that? oh, no...no i'm not 'an actress'...i'm just (at this moment in time) in demand to pretend to be other people. fictional people. more so than...well, ever, really.

it's super-bizarre no? yes. yes it is.

anyway, i wanted to let you know all that so that when you emerge from your theatre cocoon in a few months you're not totally blindsided by having to say things that are unscripted. and have real, actual interactions with people whom you've not seen in months and months. which reminds me...

gotta go, life. see you in january.

lurv
evel

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dear improv',

i miss you. can't wait to get back together.

lascivious wink...

hearts and stars,
evel

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dear brain,

i know...i know. i know that we've been stuck in windowless rooms with fake living spaces for a while. i know. and i know it's gonna be that way for a little while longer and i know you're getting a little stir crazy. it's okay. i still think you're great.

but, can we stop with the bizarre theatre-related anxiety dreams? can we? they're funny and all, great stories, but seriously - cut it out. i'd like to go back to all the other random shit that's equally funny and less prescient.

you're always with me. i like that about you.

gooo synapses!
evel

ps - please don't forget my lines!

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dear the tv show glee,

you suck. i hate you. i've watched two of you and you are really cloying and i am not a fan. also, why are all your female characters such grating stereotypes? and why doesn't jane lynch get more screen time/kudos for at least basing her stereotype in reality and making a really formidible and enjoyable villian?

and for that matter, why are my female friends putting up with this shit? stop watching bad tv. unless it's ANTM...

also, get a better sound editor - your musical numbers look like shit.

hates and skates,
evel

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dear dating,

i hate you, too. you're irritating.

grrrr
evel

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dear theatre,

thanks for giving me an excuse not to date. way to take a load off of me, no?

oh, and no thanks for reinforcing the concept of me being alone forever and never having enough money to retire/be financially independent.

and i reckon, thanks for smiling upon me the past few months.

i love you! i hate you!
evel

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dear vanity fair magazine,

look, i've never wanted to be famous...but now i'd really like to be interesting enough to be in you. in a non-scandalous way.

i'll work on it. but you guys are gonna have to lower your standards, okay? okay.

short-time reader, first time writer
evel

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dear fake chicken salad that i've been making and eating obsessively for the past week or so,

damn you're fine.

i want you inside me,
evel

i am dork forever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0&feature=player_embedded

this...this made me cry like a baby. like it was people i knew.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

i'm going to blame my period. can i do that? or is that too anti-fem?

i'm doing it anyway. i blame menstruation.

regardless...

what the hell is wrong with me?

archiving

so, i'm going back through OLD old blogs that i've kept and neglected for years, and i found this private entry on my old open diary (if you want to see me at the end of my college days and up until, like 2005-ish, maybe? Open Diary, Kermit the Hermit is where it's at). apparently i wrote this somewhere between my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. and at this point, i honestly have ZERO clue who it was abuot.

enjoy the oddity...

Sonnet 1
the king of my dreams has a song for me
a requiem for my heart, long since laid to rest.
i trudge and sway in rhythym wearily
for it is the one that kills me the best
his vibrato elixir rejuvenates my soul
as if all at once i am in his arms
then as the sun sets in a silvery ball
i know that in that dark i'll be safe from harm.
can the sun not rise, nor the flowers upturn?
how can i escape that beautiful land
and why do i feel such a heartfelt burn
if e'er he dare brush my hand
if you can hold on to the truth in the day
then send yourself to love's warm bay.

well, what the hell does that mean?

this week has totally kicked my ass. i don't say that a lot, but it 's true. i've been insanely busy.

so today, after completing 2/3 of my obligations, i took a nap. and i got the weirdest dream ever.

first, i was sitting in on a dress rehearsal of some kind for dad's. but it wasn't at the regular dad's space, it was at 'georgia state'. i put the quotes up because this is a georgia state building that's set WAY back on an isolated street with mostly warehouses and other industrial buildings. i have no clue why i was at this rehearsal, or what show it was (maybe i would eventually be a dresser?), nor do i even remember what was happening on the stage. i think i sat through notes and then went in the, apparently, cavernous back stage area to do something. but everywhere i turned i saw dudes wearing speedos and boxing headgear. and it wasn't *pretty* dudes in speedos - it was mostly really big dudes with really tiny butts. everyone was box shaped. and some of the dudes had icing of some kind on their butts. no clue.

and even in the dream it twigged me out, so i went to my car waaaaayyyy out in the back of the parking lot. i moved it and as i was going to leave i noticed some people blocking off the parking lot and getting ready to take money (they were a professor and students - that's when i knew it was gsu). so i decided to park next door and tell my people in the show 'i think they're using this building for something, we need to leave'. as i was walking back towards the building a group of my friends (who were, for the most part, not just 'dream friends' but actual friends that i have) were coming out of the building. so i got in one of their cars and thought they would take me to my car.

they didn't. they missed my turn (despite my protests) and kept driving in this industrial area until we hit a bowling alley. i no longer cared about my car, too much, as i enjoy bowling a god deal. so, we get into the alley, and the front part with the games looks like the inside of that creepy casino in alabama that i found so soul-crushingly depressing. but instead of slot machines it was ski-ball games that just were lit up like slot machines. anyway, one of my friends was like 'bowling, really?' and i said 'oh yeah! it's the most exciting game in the world!' and she said 'uh, bungee jumping?' which - even for a dream - came across as very 1990's sitcom sassy.

well, we get to like shoe rental/lane-claiming, and there's a big hallway that sort of slopes upward leading to the lanes in front of us. and as though to prove my claim of bowling's excitement, a 'champion' was in town. he was dressed in wranglers, cowboy boots, and a snap shirt and he was short and a little past middle age. anyway, he was rolling his autographed ball up the hallway, over and over again, trying to get a strike from the hall. and then a 'challenger' dressed identically, but taller and in a green shirt instead of brown-ish maroon started trying to roll his ball up the hallway. and then all of a sudden, this passel of western-themed hookers comes from NOWHERE and the challenger disappears, and the hookers give the champ the power to at least roll his ball out of sight up the highway.

once the hookers showed up, i started chewing bubble gum. like hubba-bubba or bubble-yum - big soft bubble gum. and for some reason, i decided four pieces of hubba-bubba in my mouth was a good idea. well, it was, until the hookers started talking to me. the madam (i suppose) asked me if i wanted to join them. first as a customer - i declined - and then as a new hooker - i also declined. but, i had 4 pieces of hubba-bubba in my mouth, so my words were all like 'mmph phrrm nphhh'. but they understood and moved on to keep cheering on the champ.

i returned to teh arcade area and a bunch of my girl friends were now watching this bizarre performance art 'rendition' of donkey kong. i remember thinking 'man i hope i'm getting this episode of the office on the dvr - two episodes in one week!'

so the donkey kong thing is happening and apparently that had something to do with masks - full head latex masks - being worn and shrinking on the dudes heads. this donkey kong act took 3 performers - one to be unmasked in the upstage/well-lit area moving side to side as donkey kong himself; one to sit in something that looked like a combination of a full 'strong-mad' suit and one of those swings that people hang from porches (that always looked vaugely cage-like to me) this performer would swing slowly back and forth in the downstage/poorly lit area off to one side a bit; and a third dude to jump around on the same level as the swinging guy, but on the other side of the stage. the third guy was the one whose mask would shrink. so, the donkey kong is taking place and jumping dude's mask shrinks almost off his head (it's like a little fez of a mask at this point), but rather than leave and be replaced, dude jumps on swinging strong-mad guy and just starts punching him, real slowly. i focused on the donkey kong performer and he had begun to move in slow motion and make noises like a broken machine.

i thought 'how can this be improvised?'

then one of my friends who i was sitting next to started to forcefully try and make out with me. i fought them off and woke up.

seriously, what in the fuck is that all about?

weird

so, i had therapy on thursday. i've been in therapy for jsut shy of 2 years, and it's been really, really helpful. and my therapist is this great little hippie woman who will occassionally refer me to the spirit animal guide. she's neeto. she has a glitter wall in her therapy room.

anyway, usually there's some sort of crisis for me to bring to her. either my neuroses are out of control and i'm freaking out about something, or i'm just generally depressed, or whathaveya, depending on what's going on in the rest of my life. and so, thursday, i was doing my little monthly inventory of 'things i should probably talk to my therapist about', and i came up totally empty. nothing. nada.

this is not usual. usually there's somethign, anything tp talk to her about, but no. things are good. in fact, i may go so far as to say things are great. really. i'm still dirt poor, but i've done enough finagleing and odd-jobbing that i'm okay this month, and am hopeful that i'll be okay next month, too. had a really nice audition on monday for a part that's not all yuck-yucks and comic relief. got invited to do a staged reading that once again is beyond the kinds of things on my resume, and i'm feeling really great about it. hopeful about an audition for a commercial that could potentially save me in a lot, lot, lot of ways. going to the parking lot carnival tomorrow after i see my parents and my grandma, and my sister is coming with me. baconfest is almost here, and i'm really digging teaching the outreach class. and i really like my classes at jackpie, too. and then, it was also a beautiful day, and it's finally starting to be spring here (i say finally knowing full well that the equinox was only yesterday, but let's face it, i'm ready for spring by jan 2). and i've been good at saving money and finding fun and cheap things to do. so i felt great going into therapy. and then my therapist said, 'well, let's not make an appointment for next month, you just call me when you need me. or if you start seeing someone so you can see him for longer than a month.'

wha?

wow. i'm not gonna go so far as to say 'i'm healed', but defnitely, it appears that i have made measurable, positive progress in my mental health. this is really cool. but then immediately after i left my therapist's i felt i should start making up problems so that i could make another appointment. luckily, i realized that was in and of itself crazy, and that i should be happy to save $80 a month.

so, yeah. it's weird. but in a really, really good way.

and that's that.

march madness

no, not basketball.

no, not even go fug yourself march madness.

March Madness. the big thaw. the spring fever. the end of hibernation.

yes, i know that spring doesn't officially start until march 20. yes, i know that the grass in piedmont park is still sepia-toned. yes, i know that a week ago there was heavy snowfall here in georgia. i know. I know.

but it's been so ridiculous and spring time these past few days, i can't help but be ready for spring. and let's face it folks, i'ev been ready for spring since, like, january 15. because that's how i roll. i hate cold weather. Hate It. so ready for change.

and that's the big thing about spring and fall - change. Big Sweeping Change. which was really the whole theme of 2008 for me, but season changes make it much easier. and it's harder to see that with winter and summer because - down here at least - it seems like they slowly work their way into the tail end of spring and fall. also, winter sucks.

anyway, it's been a year so far. i haven't gone bankrupt yet (and it seems like i might make close to the minimum amount of money i need to survive this month), although i do owe taxes. my back and lamp got broken and i'm blaming the same thing for these events. i've had jury duty. gotten paid for some things, not paid for others. finally turned my heat on (and look forward to turning it off again in a few weeks). dated a dude. not dated a dude. become obsessed with yoga. tossing around the idea of going back to school this time for - drumroll please - fashion design. been to a trucker bar (seriously, it was AMAZING!). shopped at wal-mart (i know, but i had a reason). broke a tire, cracked my radiator and started making weekly drives to cumming, ga (ha) to teach high schoolers improvisation. started classes at jackpie. been to helen, ga. and now i'm excited about gonig to the big-ass parking lot carnival on sunday and bacon fest in two-ish weeks.

and no, i still don't have a second part-time job. but i'm making things work, somehow, and i can't ask for much more than that. i have food and a place to live. and an amazing network of family and friends who forgive me for my winter solitude and general tendency to be too busy to pull my ass out of my head and say hello every once in a while.

so yes. it is springtime. i have the march madness. i am so fucking ready for the warm spots in this year.

don't get your hopes up.

i'm just testing this thing...because of weirdness. lots of weirdness...

hey, the other thing i hate abuot winter (other than the BLINDING COLD) is that this winter damn near everything i own or otherwise rely on has decided to break.

new car radiator here i come!

testtesttest

oh man

it's been awhile, no?

sorry blogger. i've been a busy lady. sorry friends with blogs. i've been a really busy lady.

and right now i'm a tired lady. so...i'm not really posting anything. jsut saying, i've been busy.

and had i actually booked that commercial, i'd be turning on my heat. but since i didn't (but i was close enough for them to tell me i was close), no heat. and it's going to be 10 degrees this weekend. fucking wow.

but, i erckon i have other things on my mind, right now, too.

huh.

don't feel bad, little blog...i haven't worked out in about a month either. i used to have muscles...sigh...

i promise, something 'important' will go here in the near future.

but tonight - Sleep.

ed kalinski - mattress salesman

so, last year i bought a big girl bed. very exciting. box spring, mattress, frame. hitherto, i had been sleeping - since college - on a futon. well, 'i' bought the bed with money my parents gifted me at christmas. but i was the one who did it.

anyway, at the Original Mattress Factory Showroom Lenox...there's a bunch of beds. in the front of the store, right when you come in there's a desk with what i would call a 'car dealer' set-up at it. desk with computer that can be utilized by any sales person on the floor. one swivel chair behind the desk. two regular chairs in front of the desk. paperwork. car dealer set-up. and behind the desk, that fateful bed-buying day, was ed kalinski. a guy who had been selling mattresses for 25 years.

i don't mean to be stereotypical, but ed looked like the kind of guy who has been selling something for 25 years. mid-forties (maybe), short-sleeve work shirt (in december), tie, tan pants, side part with evenly trimmed sideburns, wedding ring. a nice guy. seriously. he was clearly a professional and was very nice in showing me the 'low-rent' options and very helpful in my first major home purchase experience. told me about rotating the mattress every couple of months (though some folks rotate once a month...ed didn't see the need for all that), flipping the mattress once a year. that's gonna increase the longevity.

i enjoyed ed's company as much as ed enjoyed mine. he helped me find a bed and i helped him do something other than play computer solitaire. i've had that job plenty of times, and i know that sometimes customers can be a relief. so, yeah. ed kalinski, nice guy.

a few days after my bed was delivered i got a card in teh mail 'from' ed kalinski, thanking me for being a customer and hoping i enjoy sleep more with new bed. it was cheesy. the envelope had that printed but could legitimately have been hand-addressed lettering on it. and inside it was a 'script-esque' italic font. not terribly personal, but the company's nice touch. and then like a week later, i got a happy new year card from 'Ed' too.

it's not that weird to get things like this from companys you make a 'major' purchase with. it isn't. i know this because my parents get shit like this periodically. it's fine. what weirds me out about it is that it's always addressed from Ed Kalinski. not the Original Mattress Factory. the card is designed to appear as though it's coming from ed. and actually, almost a year after i bought my bed, when i checked my mail today i got another missive 'from' ed. wishing me a happy thanksgiving and thanking the universe for elastic waistbands (yup).

now, if the logic behind all this is to make a personal connection (or percieved personal connection) between sales person and customer...it's totally worked. i think more about ed kalinski now than i ever thought possible. seriously.

but, uh...in some ways...the cards make ed look a little worse off than he actually is. because, for me, my first thought upon reciept of card, nigh on one year later, was 'does ed kalinski really have nothing better to do than to send me cheesey corporate greeting cards?' like an ex-boyfriend who just won't leave well enough alone (and i know there are ex-girlfriends like that, and i somewhat reluctantly admit that i've been that ex-girlfriend before), i just wonder why he's bothering. and then i remember that it's probably just that he signed my up for said holiday cards when he was putting my stuff in his computer. and then, further, i remember that i don't really know ed kalinski, that no one could really know ed kalinski. or at least no one that stopped by for 20 minutes and bought a bed from him. and ed kalinski - though he knows which model i find more comfortable, and that i sleep on my side, slightly curled up - doesn't really know me either.

and i can't think of a good ending for this right now.

happy thanksgiving, turkeys! WHA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

that'll do...

on the incessant joys and obligations of participartory democracy

i believe the onion said it best 4 years ago: "a participatory democracy is like the lottery - you can't win if you don't play". they said funny things before this, too. i don't remember those things.

and yet...

i don't get why people don't vote . i jsut don't. man, i was so stoked when i turned 18 because it meant i could both buy cigarettes and vote. two things that i had been wanting to do since forever. and then there's complaints from said people - who, although they didn't exercise their rights still have an opinion. and it's great to be informed and feel a certain way about things, but seriously, if you're not going to vote i don't give a shit what you think about the elected representatives in this nation. because you apparently also didn't give a shit enough to voice your opinion in a platform where (in theory) it counts.

let me put it this way, i am an avid if jaded voter. my first election was 2000 (and we all know how awesome that one turned out). then 2002 saw sonny damn perdue get elected governor of georgia. then 2004, when it felt like the whole country was ready for regime change at home, jack shit happened. my luck with voting has been shaky, at best. but i do it. gladly. everytime. because i can. and because i appreciate that. even if it's a shady vote-counting/electoral process, and even if i don't think america really needs an electoral college anymore, i vote. i make my voice heard.

which...is kind of the point of a true democracy...

anypoo.

vote.

and i hope you vote for obama, but, i'm really just gonna be happy if you vote.

erin made me do it

my lovely friend erin from over at the ponderosa 'jolly journal' has tagged me to write a blog with 7 things you might not know abuot me. and i am powerless to disobey....

1. love, love, love halloween. in spite of all evidence that might imply that i would hate it (spiders, people wearing masks, scary stuff, commercialism), i love it. hated it as a kid, lvoe it as an adult. it's one of my favorite times of the year. it's also when i can get a lot of decorating done, since so many things at halloween are skull oriented. and i love the skulls. which is something that i make pretty clear

2. i am one shitty correspondent. seriously. i mean this for people i never see ever as much as i do people who are an arm's reach away. terrible. and it's not that i don't care about them, i do. the people who i (at the very least) 'keep tabs on' mean a whole lot to me. i am, however, really lazy and miss out on a lot of lovely connections that i could be making with people i already know that i love. this goes hand in hand with my generally sub-par commuication skills. i stutter. i have shitty handwriting and typing. i don't know how to address more than 2 people at a time if it's not on a stage. my body language is really internally focused. and i make the goofy faces. but i'm an avid reader and excellent listener.

3. i walk a really fine line between being a strictly logic-driven person and an intuitive being. because, while i try to do what makes sense, i just...that damn gut feeling pushes me in totally whacked out directions and because it's right so, so, So much of the time i feel like it's logical to follow it even if what i'm doing at the time makes zero sense.

4. i have no clue how to 'follow' a blog on this thing.

5. i believe in the existence of ghosts. real-deal ghosts. and while i'm totally chicken-shit about the thought of entering a 'haunted house' around halloween, i wouldn't think twice about being an amateur ghost hunter. also i read tarot cards. and own two ouija boards. i'm a kook.

6. i'm not very comfortable talking about myself unless i really have a story to tell. this is something that's been a big focus in therapy (which only makes sense, since your therapist is there to listen to you talk about you and hence help you fix you), and i've made a little progress, but man...it's, yeah. so it's weird too that i have this blog and that i periodically post blogs in other spots on the interwebs. my life really hasn't been story-filled lately. though, it has been fun.

7. you know, for being single for like an eon, i really don't get crazy lonely that often. it happens, and there are definitely times when i think 'yeah, i'd like to have someone that i have a different kind of relationship with) but...it's not terrible. this makes me more than a little afraid that i'm just getting used to the idea of being alone forever. but typing that sort of makes me want to cry, so...maybe that's not a real danger... i don't konw. i just, i like a lot of 'me' time.

and now, as per erin's tagging order, i am to tag 7 others to do a simillar exercise in their blogs. here's where i have a difficulty... i follow a couple of blogs, and a couple of people follow this one, but uh...i don't know who's game for this.... so. matt, mary, jenn, erin (wait, no, you already did this), ed, benji, la, randy(?), josh(?), bill(?), assorted others who i'm forgetting or who don't have blogs but read anyway: if you'd like to do this, do it. i'll gladly read what you wrote. just...let me know that you did it. i have no fucking clue how to follow people on this thing....

this week

i have a story about this morning, but i'm pretty scattered right now. so you get another list.

well, well, well...in the past week things have been a little nutty...how nutty? i'll tell you...

this past week (from last friday to this friday)

i have:
worked (and taught a lot of spider lessons in the process)
voted
worn bunny ears
pissed off, and been pissed off by some 8th graders
bowled with my parents
visited my grandma in the hospital
watched sleeping beauty
carved a pumpkin
walked around in my favorite cemetary whilst wearing a stupid costume
drank chipolte-mango hot chocolate spiked with bailey's
fought (on stage)
worn my winter coat, scarf, gloves, and hat...in october...in atlanta...
cursed the weather
gotten a flat tire
changed said flat tire
gone to therapy
bought groceries
wondered what the hell to 'be' for halloween
took a few naps
looked for and applied to several jobs that don't look half-bad (fingers crossed ya'll)
teacher assissted a class
gone to a benefit in a stupid costume
seen two people i haven't seen since high school
done a show
shooed a squirrel from my laundry room...you heard me.
got tire repaired for FREE
went to the halloween store on halloween (mistake)
been to the thrift store
discovered my love for teh Family Dollar
still wondered what the hell to be for halloween
not replied to e-mails
replied to e-mails
been summoned to jury duty for the first time ever

and occassionally i've found time to eat and breathe, too.

so, i guess...all of this is to say that october has been retarded busy for me. Re-tarded. but mostly pretty fun. if only i were getting paid full time...

ps - did you know that the Halloween Spirit Stores sell hooker shoes? At reasonable prices? well, they apparently do...mama may be stopping by on Nov 1 (possibly 2) to see how low they're willing to go on those prices...yeesh.

happy halloween, fools!

this has to be a joke, right?

i found this on a job website. the job title caught my eye... jesus...good luck, jerks.


Tri-Lingual Administrative Assistant (English, Spanish, Korean)

Full Time

Job Description:

JOB SUMMARY:Performs a variety of clerical and secretarial work necessary for the smooth operation of the Department; prepares correspondence, letters, memos, and reports and maintains databases necessary for office operations; prepares minutes for meetings; files and records information; answers the telephone and provides general information regarding the office operations and/or services; processing incoming/outgoing mail for an assigned area; coordinates special projects and Christmas projects. Must be able to speak English, Spanish, and Korean to communicate with clients.

ESSENTIAL FUNCTIONS: Transcribes dictation and/or types correspondence, minutes, newsletters, bulletins and/or reports in an accurate and timely manner; acknowledges routine correspondence not needed for dictation.Prepares, types, and processes correspondence, statistics, check requests, forms, agendas, schedules, minutes, etc.; ensures the accuracy, completeness, and timeliness of the same.Prepares and maintains office records, reports, calendars, databases, logs, lists, etc. in an accurate, complete, and timely manner; updates, posts and indexes information and inputs data into the computer to maintain office database records; researches office files to locate specific information found in documents, correspondence, lists, forms, etc. in order to prepare specific reports.Prepares and proofs various routine reports; compiles and records information and statistics necessary to generate routine reports; proofs reports for errors and to ensure they are grammatically correct.Answers telephone in a courteous and tactful manner; greets and assists employees and people from outside [the organization]; provides accurate and complete information regarding the office operations and/or services.

Pay: 10.00 - 13.00/Hourly

Experience Required: 2 yrs

whilst avoiding the depressing task of searching for a job

i'm going to do this...thank you mr myers

What were you doing 20 years ago?
1. i was 7 and about midway through the first part of second grade.
2. i hated cursive and got a lot of bad grades for my shitty handwriting. this still applies.
3. gifted class was my favorite thing.
4. i had just done my first non-school play that summer. i got a bigger speaking part than my sister which was - for far too long - a secret source of pride for me.
5. i wore neon colors and leggings.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
1. first semester of my senior year of high school.
2. i was 17 and had just thrown a giant hissy-fit about not being cast in the one-act competition piece.
3. i started doing forensics tournaments for dramatic interpretation. it was super-fun. those 10 minutes of blanche dubois took me far...
4. i was sick of high school and unenthusiastic about looking for colleges.
5. i attributed my new, higher composite SAT score to my first TMBG concert which i saw on the same day that i took the test for the last time. this is still true.

On 9/11/01
woke up and went to my 'self-defense for women' class at 8am with my roommate. we drove separately because i had to get gas. the people in the gas station looked at me weird. when i came home, my roommate who i had been in class with ran outside and told me a plane hit the WTC. my other roommate's class was cancelled and she came home about when the second plane was hitting. so we went to my first roommate's fiancee's place because he had cable and we didn't even have bunny ears. watched tv in horror. made a bunch of phone calls. listened to the radio in horror. sort of laughed at congress singing god bless america on the steps of the capitol (still one of the most bizarre moments in american history). went to rehearsal, which got cancelled. hardly slept.

What were you doing 5 years ago?
1. i was 22 and 10 months out of college.
2. interning at the alliance theatre in the artistic department. this - although like my current job it didn't really pay...but moreso - was one of my all time favorite jobs.
3. i was about to start working at starbucks. what a fucking nightmare.
4. still not over my ex-boyfriend at this point.
5. living with my dear friend erin in vinings who was teaching and getting ready to get married.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
1. pouting about something, i'm sure.
2. getting ready to move to my current apartment.
3. hating my job, but had just made the deciscion to leave when i started in on the holocaust tour. which was then but 4 months away.
4. goofing off.
5. wondering what the hell it was i was supposed to be doing.
6. looking forward to dancing on the grave of 2007.

What did you do yesterday?
1. work 8:30 - 2
2. napped too long 2:15-3:45
3. went to oakland with lara for a special halloween tour/froze my ass off 4:30-ish to 6:40-ish
4. CAMPUS workshop 7 - 9
5. nonsemble workshop 9 - 11:30
6. made dinner (or lunch, or breakfast..whatever) 12:30. though, i guess that's today.
7. crashed 2

What will you do today?
1. worked 8:30 - 2
2. changed my flat-ass tire 2:15-2:40
3. dicked around on the internet 3-3:45
4. went to gas station, dad's garage, therapy, and the atm 3:45 - 6
5. napped 6 - 7
6. grocery store 7:30
7. started laundry and made a little dinner 8:30
8. i'll probably look for a job soon and sleep at some point.

What will you do tomorrow?
1. work 8:30 - 2
2. look for a job/hopefully work out 2:15 - 5:00
3. probably nap a little 5-6
4. quick dinner 6-6:30
5. TA class 6:45 - 9:15
6. dick around until i pass out/figure out halloween costume-age

oh...dear...god...

it's another one of those moping about my life choices blog! yay!

so, yes. november is fast approaching. by my calculations, once i've written my rent check and paid for therapy and that other bill that's due in the first week of november, i'll have about $35 in my checking account until my next payday. which will be nov 14. this is assuming i don't buy groceries, take money out of my account, or need anything urgently that i don't currently own.

oh shit. Oooooohhhh shit.

so, um...i'm about to have a real big problem. i do have some savings, yes, and i'm comfortable taknig up to 200 more dollars out of savings. but, um...that's not gonig to be enough. let's put it this way...i'm making about 65% of what i had been making per month for the past, oh, 2.5 years. this is not okay. especially since what i had been making didn't really give me any money leftover at the end of each month for savings.

and i have been applying for any and every possible non-waiting tables job that is part-time that i can find. it's rough. it's really rough out there. and right now, it's not looking so good.

so...whereas before, i was having difficulty sleeping because of teaching the spider lesson at my otherwise nifty-but-part-time job, i am now having difficulty sleeping because of my financial situation created largely by my unwillingness to remain unhappy at a nightmare job.

theory - if it holds true - is that i am happier now. and to a large extent, yes. i am. but uh...wow am i worried. Wow. wow.

add to that, there's a lot of other shit happening right now. nevermind the whole national/international economic crisis and it being election season (which is stressful enough on its own), but then there's a lot of weird personal things happening right now including my further demonstrated inability to date successfully, octagenarian that i love and their many varied health crises, my sister having a really rough time of it right now, and impending mysterious changes at my artistic institute of choice (the one where don't get paid), and it's fucking cold already. it's uh...it's a lot.

and i hate to say it - especially since for the most part this year has been really positive for me, and on the whole i feel like i'm in a lot better 'headspace' now than i was 12 months ago - but the astrologers were right. 100%. i do, to an extent, fall into that horoscopery bullshit. no, my daily horoscope usually doesn't mean anything. and usually, i don't remember or care about the 'yearly astrological predictions', but all the ones that i read for 2008 essentially said that this year would be a doozy. and a doozy it has been. just...one thing after another this year. broad, sweeping, constant change. in all areas all teh time.

so i guess what i'm saying is, i'd like to get paid to be stable. maybe it's like a dare. like 'i dare you to not make any ginormous life changes for at least a week and to roll with the people around you making ginormous life changes in a pleasant manner and if you can do that, i'll give you $300'. Okay. sign me up. dare accepted! give me the $300! or even $100. or $10. whatever. i just...sigh..

okay, well...i'm going to go see if any online surveys need me to take them. i'm being dead serious, i signed up for like three 'get paid to take free online surveys' services yesterday. in addition to applying for a bunch of jobs.

heigh-ho...

done lost my damn mind...

so, in the past three weeks...

i have lost and re-gained internets.
celebrated about 50 million birthdays.
watched my bank account leak money into the ether of my spending habits.
been unable to hear my alarm and wake up, but have all my neighbors hear my alarm and they wake up which has led to my landlord building me an alarm clock box on my wall.
been to a wedding.
been to a baby shower.
had a friend from london crash in my living room for a few days.
been in a couple shows both with and without dad's.
got signed to a talent agency.
half-heartedly pursued dating some dude.
been unable to find part-time work, still.
applied to a temp agency, with plans to send resume to two more today.
taught a whole bunch of lessons on spiders.
and today applied to a jorb at the georgia aquarium.
also gotten drunk a lot.
and skinned both of my knees in one awesome fall.
and been to bamboo luau twice.
and still not decided what to be for halloween.
and seen a bunch of high school friends.
and been a hermit.
been to two clinics and made an appointment to got to a doctor.
i also almost blew up my apartment (and, probably the other apartments in my complex) while making real mac 'n' cheese.
then today i decided i could make it until this weekend to go to the grocery store again.
i also have a headache.
i tended a friend's vending machines for a minute or two.
broke stuff.
got a printer again.
paid some bills (sob).
been in a parade.
started work on that christmas show.
t.a.-ed some classes.
broke out the damn space heater at my apartment.

yeah...

i've been ridiculously busy, in other words. which, is okay. actually, it'd be a-okay and no worries at all if i were getting paid for the majority of this stuff. not the social stuff, clearly, but uh...yeah. and i reckon some things, i do get paid for. but it's about to get VERY VERY scary at the ponderosa del krueger. Very Scary. and i ain't talkin' about halloween, folks.

the big hope - other than the jobs i've replied to - is that i'll get some work through this agency. that would be bad-ass. one or two gigs a month and i might be okay. really. which is ideal. of course, there's zero gauruntee of that. i have no clue how to spell gaurantee. that second time seems closer, nu?

anypoo...uh, i say i've lost my mind for any number of reasons. but the most pressing one at this moment is the 'applying to a job at the ga aquarium'. mama hates aquariums. they're dark and creepy and those fish stare right the fuck back at you. they're creepy, creepy places. even the ones that try to use natural light. but the job that i've applied to is pretty cool - if it's what i think it is. the description on all three websites (including the aquarium web site) is REALLY vague, but it sounds like another 'alternative education' type of teaching thing. which i am 100% down with. and yeah, i'd love to do some office work, but this would be super-cool too.

so we'll see what happens. maybe something. maybe nothing. either way, by the time november hits, mama's gotta have an income supplement or...man....

wish me luck kids, this job market is total bullshit right now. even for part-time assholes like me.

things change so quickly...

it's hard to catch your breath, sometimes.

that's kind of what this year has been about. constant, sweeping change. over...everything.

it's been, well...it's been a year.

i'm...im dumb. you know when you've got something secret and you think you're being sneaky, but then there are days when you just feel like everyone knows everything? yeah.

that's not exactly why i'm dumb, i'm just...sigh.

in other news, all wedding cards are horribly written. all of them. and apparently, at this juncture, all the wedding cards at target have horrible writing in them. no blank wedding cards, they.

i'm sewing a dress to go to said wedding. this dress wil be awesome. and it feels good to sew again. like, really sew. not jsut 'i need to make something that can be torn off easily', but like an actual dress. for use in non-wrestling moments.

it feels good to tell the truth, too. i'm big on honesty anyway, and, well, i reckon i don't have as much courage as i should. or i get it and i get it at the wrong time, nu? anyway...i'm big on being truthful, especially when you don't really have anything to lose. or, that everything is kind of null and void anyway...sigh...

might get drunk again tonight.

help me obi wan kenobi*...

you're my only hope.

* if you are reading this note, you are obi wan kenobi. congrats jedi master.

so, yes. i no longer work at norcostco. this is great. great because that job was not great. at all. wowsers. worst job ever.

i love, love, LOVE my new job. Love it. can't say enough how happy it makes me. i'm at the center for puppetry arts in their distance learning program. i get to teach kids, make crafts, and be around as much puppety goodness as i can be around before i get tweaked out and have to get away from it. but...it's only part time.

you see, mama left hell to find something better, and it's working-ish. i'm fine monetarily until i pay october rent. then...we'll see.so, you my friends, if you hear of anything - even if it's like a week of stuffing envelopes - please, please, PLEASE let me know. i'm about to be CRAZY strapped for cash/living expenses and i don't really want to move in with my folks. i am not 'above' waiting tables, but would like to save that as a last resort and even then i'd still be looking for a steady day-time thing.

let me tell you when i can work - 2:30 to 5:30 or 6 (some nights even 6:30) M-Th, all day Friday (so, like 9 to 5 or 10 to 6 or whatever). that's - for those of you keeping track - about 22 hours that i can work per week. i'd like to avoid nights and weekends, if possible. but if you hear of something that needs doing and will pay me to do, and it's on the weekends, please let me know.

i'm sorry to make this whiny/help me/i'm an idiot so help me find a way to eat, but uh...yeah.

thanks for your time. lemme know how i can help you...word.

oh, and if you stumbled over here from another blog, with the promise of fun times, just...read other things...or i'll get goofy and post something here...whatever...