mumblings

oh, hello blogspot eve...haven't seen you in a piece...

it may surprise you to know this, but i pray. i do (i almost wrote 'pry', but that's not what i'm really going for here - and i only do that if i must). every night before i fall asleep i pray. doesn't matter if i'm in my bed or a hotel or if i've passed out somewhere else entirely, i pray. hell, it doesn't really even matter to me that i'm not sure 'who' or 'what' hears my prayers, i pray. nightly. this is what i do.

generally speaking, it's the same thing every night and though the verbiage has changed, the meaning has been the same since college: safety, health, and happiness for the people i know and the people they know; good health and security and daily happiness for my grandparents specifically; and then if there's something else it gets tacked on at the end. generally these are 'asks'. the whole prayer is an ask, really. that i wish for the universe to keep my people (and the people of my people) well and happy and doing good stuff. and if i tell you 'you are in my thoughts and prayers' i damn well mean it.

this has worked out. i mean, everyone has their ups and downs, little (and sometimes big) moments of duress. you can't promise anything, of course, but it is my hope that my little prayer thoughts actually send little good things into the universe. and that these little good things somehow, magically work in the favor of those around me, and myself when i need it.

in that sense, it's sort of like that episode of friends (my god, i'm referencing friends) where phoebe says that there's no such thing as a truly charitable act since doing charity work or 'charitable' things always benefits the person doing them. and my little prayer thoughts help me sleep at night, so yeah...okay, she's right. it just doesn't feel like an asshole thing to do even if it is.

like i said, this has worked out. as sonny perdue prayed for rain (and gee golly, if we didn't get it in 2009), i have prayed for a little security, a little guidance on what it is i am doing and 'should' be doing. and i've gotten both. a lot of both, actually, in the last year.

i have been literally overwhelmed with things to do. in a really good way, since all of these things to do are things that i really enjoy doing. and all of them - in one way or another - have led to some element of self-discovery. this is good. of course, this also reinforces one of the main reasons i didn't want to go into acting back in the day: that self-improvement is the only improvement and it just seems like i should be improving the world at large instead of my own little bubble. that's another entry/round of therapy...

anyway - all of these opportunities, after receding slightly, have given me a moment to look around and feel really, really grateful. grateful for the opportunities themselves, but also to be surrounded by people who are willing to give me a chance on whatever. this is nice. it's really, really nice. and it is my belief that, eventually, i'll be able to help the people who have helped me in one way or another. that some of the generosity they've lavished on me will be shown to them ten-fold. this is my ideal version of the universe.

so i have tacked on a new permanent fixture to my nightly prayer: a thank you. generally to the universe (or whatever entity pulls the strings in the universe, if you prefer) for giving me stuff. stuff in terms of job/financial security (tenuous though it may be) and stuff in terms of whatever i get. because, really, you only get what you get and you can only change you, not what you get. that's it. and in an effort to be more proactively grateful, i am actively thanking the power(s) that be for whatever i get. and for having the brains to do whatever the hell i want with the various things given to me.

blah blah blah...

thank you. two little words. one big universe. Thank You for being so damn pretty, universe and for being so nice to me. be nice to everyone, okay? Okay.

good night.