a series of open letters

dear life,

wow...it's been awhile, huh? well, guess what. i've had a series of startling revelations and apparently, i'm an actress. it's weird, i know.

what's that? oh, no...no i'm not 'an actress'...i'm just (at this moment in time) in demand to pretend to be other people. fictional people. more so than...well, ever, really.

it's super-bizarre no? yes. yes it is.

anyway, i wanted to let you know all that so that when you emerge from your theatre cocoon in a few months you're not totally blindsided by having to say things that are unscripted. and have real, actual interactions with people whom you've not seen in months and months. which reminds me...

gotta go, life. see you in january.

lurv
evel

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dear improv',

i miss you. can't wait to get back together.

lascivious wink...

hearts and stars,
evel

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dear brain,

i know...i know. i know that we've been stuck in windowless rooms with fake living spaces for a while. i know. and i know it's gonna be that way for a little while longer and i know you're getting a little stir crazy. it's okay. i still think you're great.

but, can we stop with the bizarre theatre-related anxiety dreams? can we? they're funny and all, great stories, but seriously - cut it out. i'd like to go back to all the other random shit that's equally funny and less prescient.

you're always with me. i like that about you.

gooo synapses!
evel

ps - please don't forget my lines!

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dear the tv show glee,

you suck. i hate you. i've watched two of you and you are really cloying and i am not a fan. also, why are all your female characters such grating stereotypes? and why doesn't jane lynch get more screen time/kudos for at least basing her stereotype in reality and making a really formidible and enjoyable villian?

and for that matter, why are my female friends putting up with this shit? stop watching bad tv. unless it's ANTM...

also, get a better sound editor - your musical numbers look like shit.

hates and skates,
evel

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dear dating,

i hate you, too. you're irritating.

grrrr
evel

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dear theatre,

thanks for giving me an excuse not to date. way to take a load off of me, no?

oh, and no thanks for reinforcing the concept of me being alone forever and never having enough money to retire/be financially independent.

and i reckon, thanks for smiling upon me the past few months.

i love you! i hate you!
evel

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dear vanity fair magazine,

look, i've never wanted to be famous...but now i'd really like to be interesting enough to be in you. in a non-scandalous way.

i'll work on it. but you guys are gonna have to lower your standards, okay? okay.

short-time reader, first time writer
evel

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dear fake chicken salad that i've been making and eating obsessively for the past week or so,

damn you're fine.

i want you inside me,
evel

i am dork forever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0&feature=player_embedded

this...this made me cry like a baby. like it was people i knew.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

i'm going to blame my period. can i do that? or is that too anti-fem?

i'm doing it anyway. i blame menstruation.

regardless...

what the hell is wrong with me?

well, what the hell does that mean?

this week has totally kicked my ass. i don't say that a lot, but it 's true. i've been insanely busy.

so today, after completing 2/3 of my obligations, i took a nap. and i got the weirdest dream ever.

first, i was sitting in on a dress rehearsal of some kind for dad's. but it wasn't at the regular dad's space, it was at 'georgia state'. i put the quotes up because this is a georgia state building that's set WAY back on an isolated street with mostly warehouses and other industrial buildings. i have no clue why i was at this rehearsal, or what show it was (maybe i would eventually be a dresser?), nor do i even remember what was happening on the stage. i think i sat through notes and then went in the, apparently, cavernous back stage area to do something. but everywhere i turned i saw dudes wearing speedos and boxing headgear. and it wasn't *pretty* dudes in speedos - it was mostly really big dudes with really tiny butts. everyone was box shaped. and some of the dudes had icing of some kind on their butts. no clue.

and even in the dream it twigged me out, so i went to my car waaaaayyyy out in the back of the parking lot. i moved it and as i was going to leave i noticed some people blocking off the parking lot and getting ready to take money (they were a professor and students - that's when i knew it was gsu). so i decided to park next door and tell my people in the show 'i think they're using this building for something, we need to leave'. as i was walking back towards the building a group of my friends (who were, for the most part, not just 'dream friends' but actual friends that i have) were coming out of the building. so i got in one of their cars and thought they would take me to my car.

they didn't. they missed my turn (despite my protests) and kept driving in this industrial area until we hit a bowling alley. i no longer cared about my car, too much, as i enjoy bowling a god deal. so, we get into the alley, and the front part with the games looks like the inside of that creepy casino in alabama that i found so soul-crushingly depressing. but instead of slot machines it was ski-ball games that just were lit up like slot machines. anyway, one of my friends was like 'bowling, really?' and i said 'oh yeah! it's the most exciting game in the world!' and she said 'uh, bungee jumping?' which - even for a dream - came across as very 1990's sitcom sassy.

well, we get to like shoe rental/lane-claiming, and there's a big hallway that sort of slopes upward leading to the lanes in front of us. and as though to prove my claim of bowling's excitement, a 'champion' was in town. he was dressed in wranglers, cowboy boots, and a snap shirt and he was short and a little past middle age. anyway, he was rolling his autographed ball up the hallway, over and over again, trying to get a strike from the hall. and then a 'challenger' dressed identically, but taller and in a green shirt instead of brown-ish maroon started trying to roll his ball up the hallway. and then all of a sudden, this passel of western-themed hookers comes from NOWHERE and the challenger disappears, and the hookers give the champ the power to at least roll his ball out of sight up the highway.

once the hookers showed up, i started chewing bubble gum. like hubba-bubba or bubble-yum - big soft bubble gum. and for some reason, i decided four pieces of hubba-bubba in my mouth was a good idea. well, it was, until the hookers started talking to me. the madam (i suppose) asked me if i wanted to join them. first as a customer - i declined - and then as a new hooker - i also declined. but, i had 4 pieces of hubba-bubba in my mouth, so my words were all like 'mmph phrrm nphhh'. but they understood and moved on to keep cheering on the champ.

i returned to teh arcade area and a bunch of my girl friends were now watching this bizarre performance art 'rendition' of donkey kong. i remember thinking 'man i hope i'm getting this episode of the office on the dvr - two episodes in one week!'

so the donkey kong thing is happening and apparently that had something to do with masks - full head latex masks - being worn and shrinking on the dudes heads. this donkey kong act took 3 performers - one to be unmasked in the upstage/well-lit area moving side to side as donkey kong himself; one to sit in something that looked like a combination of a full 'strong-mad' suit and one of those swings that people hang from porches (that always looked vaugely cage-like to me) this performer would swing slowly back and forth in the downstage/poorly lit area off to one side a bit; and a third dude to jump around on the same level as the swinging guy, but on the other side of the stage. the third guy was the one whose mask would shrink. so, the donkey kong is taking place and jumping dude's mask shrinks almost off his head (it's like a little fez of a mask at this point), but rather than leave and be replaced, dude jumps on swinging strong-mad guy and just starts punching him, real slowly. i focused on the donkey kong performer and he had begun to move in slow motion and make noises like a broken machine.

i thought 'how can this be improvised?'

then one of my friends who i was sitting next to started to forcefully try and make out with me. i fought them off and woke up.

seriously, what in the fuck is that all about?

weird

so, i had therapy on thursday. i've been in therapy for jsut shy of 2 years, and it's been really, really helpful. and my therapist is this great little hippie woman who will occassionally refer me to the spirit animal guide. she's neeto. she has a glitter wall in her therapy room.

anyway, usually there's some sort of crisis for me to bring to her. either my neuroses are out of control and i'm freaking out about something, or i'm just generally depressed, or whathaveya, depending on what's going on in the rest of my life. and so, thursday, i was doing my little monthly inventory of 'things i should probably talk to my therapist about', and i came up totally empty. nothing. nada.

this is not usual. usually there's somethign, anything tp talk to her about, but no. things are good. in fact, i may go so far as to say things are great. really. i'm still dirt poor, but i've done enough finagleing and odd-jobbing that i'm okay this month, and am hopeful that i'll be okay next month, too. had a really nice audition on monday for a part that's not all yuck-yucks and comic relief. got invited to do a staged reading that once again is beyond the kinds of things on my resume, and i'm feeling really great about it. hopeful about an audition for a commercial that could potentially save me in a lot, lot, lot of ways. going to the parking lot carnival tomorrow after i see my parents and my grandma, and my sister is coming with me. baconfest is almost here, and i'm really digging teaching the outreach class. and i really like my classes at jackpie, too. and then, it was also a beautiful day, and it's finally starting to be spring here (i say finally knowing full well that the equinox was only yesterday, but let's face it, i'm ready for spring by jan 2). and i've been good at saving money and finding fun and cheap things to do. so i felt great going into therapy. and then my therapist said, 'well, let's not make an appointment for next month, you just call me when you need me. or if you start seeing someone so you can see him for longer than a month.'

wha?

wow. i'm not gonna go so far as to say 'i'm healed', but defnitely, it appears that i have made measurable, positive progress in my mental health. this is really cool. but then immediately after i left my therapist's i felt i should start making up problems so that i could make another appointment. luckily, i realized that was in and of itself crazy, and that i should be happy to save $80 a month.

so, yeah. it's weird. but in a really, really good way.

and that's that.

ed kalinski - mattress salesman

so, last year i bought a big girl bed. very exciting. box spring, mattress, frame. hitherto, i had been sleeping - since college - on a futon. well, 'i' bought the bed with money my parents gifted me at christmas. but i was the one who did it.

anyway, at the Original Mattress Factory Showroom Lenox...there's a bunch of beds. in the front of the store, right when you come in there's a desk with what i would call a 'car dealer' set-up at it. desk with computer that can be utilized by any sales person on the floor. one swivel chair behind the desk. two regular chairs in front of the desk. paperwork. car dealer set-up. and behind the desk, that fateful bed-buying day, was ed kalinski. a guy who had been selling mattresses for 25 years.

i don't mean to be stereotypical, but ed looked like the kind of guy who has been selling something for 25 years. mid-forties (maybe), short-sleeve work shirt (in december), tie, tan pants, side part with evenly trimmed sideburns, wedding ring. a nice guy. seriously. he was clearly a professional and was very nice in showing me the 'low-rent' options and very helpful in my first major home purchase experience. told me about rotating the mattress every couple of months (though some folks rotate once a month...ed didn't see the need for all that), flipping the mattress once a year. that's gonna increase the longevity.

i enjoyed ed's company as much as ed enjoyed mine. he helped me find a bed and i helped him do something other than play computer solitaire. i've had that job plenty of times, and i know that sometimes customers can be a relief. so, yeah. ed kalinski, nice guy.

a few days after my bed was delivered i got a card in teh mail 'from' ed kalinski, thanking me for being a customer and hoping i enjoy sleep more with new bed. it was cheesy. the envelope had that printed but could legitimately have been hand-addressed lettering on it. and inside it was a 'script-esque' italic font. not terribly personal, but the company's nice touch. and then like a week later, i got a happy new year card from 'Ed' too.

it's not that weird to get things like this from companys you make a 'major' purchase with. it isn't. i know this because my parents get shit like this periodically. it's fine. what weirds me out about it is that it's always addressed from Ed Kalinski. not the Original Mattress Factory. the card is designed to appear as though it's coming from ed. and actually, almost a year after i bought my bed, when i checked my mail today i got another missive 'from' ed. wishing me a happy thanksgiving and thanking the universe for elastic waistbands (yup).

now, if the logic behind all this is to make a personal connection (or percieved personal connection) between sales person and customer...it's totally worked. i think more about ed kalinski now than i ever thought possible. seriously.

but, uh...in some ways...the cards make ed look a little worse off than he actually is. because, for me, my first thought upon reciept of card, nigh on one year later, was 'does ed kalinski really have nothing better to do than to send me cheesey corporate greeting cards?' like an ex-boyfriend who just won't leave well enough alone (and i know there are ex-girlfriends like that, and i somewhat reluctantly admit that i've been that ex-girlfriend before), i just wonder why he's bothering. and then i remember that it's probably just that he signed my up for said holiday cards when he was putting my stuff in his computer. and then, further, i remember that i don't really know ed kalinski, that no one could really know ed kalinski. or at least no one that stopped by for 20 minutes and bought a bed from him. and ed kalinski - though he knows which model i find more comfortable, and that i sleep on my side, slightly curled up - doesn't really know me either.

and i can't think of a good ending for this right now.

happy thanksgiving, turkeys! WHA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

that'll do...

this week

i have a story about this morning, but i'm pretty scattered right now. so you get another list.

well, well, well...in the past week things have been a little nutty...how nutty? i'll tell you...

this past week (from last friday to this friday)

i have:
worked (and taught a lot of spider lessons in the process)
voted
worn bunny ears
pissed off, and been pissed off by some 8th graders
bowled with my parents
visited my grandma in the hospital
watched sleeping beauty
carved a pumpkin
walked around in my favorite cemetary whilst wearing a stupid costume
drank chipolte-mango hot chocolate spiked with bailey's
fought (on stage)
worn my winter coat, scarf, gloves, and hat...in october...in atlanta...
cursed the weather
gotten a flat tire
changed said flat tire
gone to therapy
bought groceries
wondered what the hell to 'be' for halloween
took a few naps
looked for and applied to several jobs that don't look half-bad (fingers crossed ya'll)
teacher assissted a class
gone to a benefit in a stupid costume
seen two people i haven't seen since high school
done a show
shooed a squirrel from my laundry room...you heard me.
got tire repaired for FREE
went to the halloween store on halloween (mistake)
been to the thrift store
discovered my love for teh Family Dollar
still wondered what the hell to be for halloween
not replied to e-mails
replied to e-mails
been summoned to jury duty for the first time ever

and occassionally i've found time to eat and breathe, too.

so, i guess...all of this is to say that october has been retarded busy for me. Re-tarded. but mostly pretty fun. if only i were getting paid full time...

ps - did you know that the Halloween Spirit Stores sell hooker shoes? At reasonable prices? well, they apparently do...mama may be stopping by on Nov 1 (possibly 2) to see how low they're willing to go on those prices...yeesh.

happy halloween, fools!

done lost my damn mind...

so, in the past three weeks...

i have lost and re-gained internets.
celebrated about 50 million birthdays.
watched my bank account leak money into the ether of my spending habits.
been unable to hear my alarm and wake up, but have all my neighbors hear my alarm and they wake up which has led to my landlord building me an alarm clock box on my wall.
been to a wedding.
been to a baby shower.
had a friend from london crash in my living room for a few days.
been in a couple shows both with and without dad's.
got signed to a talent agency.
half-heartedly pursued dating some dude.
been unable to find part-time work, still.
applied to a temp agency, with plans to send resume to two more today.
taught a whole bunch of lessons on spiders.
and today applied to a jorb at the georgia aquarium.
also gotten drunk a lot.
and skinned both of my knees in one awesome fall.
and been to bamboo luau twice.
and still not decided what to be for halloween.
and seen a bunch of high school friends.
and been a hermit.
been to two clinics and made an appointment to got to a doctor.
i also almost blew up my apartment (and, probably the other apartments in my complex) while making real mac 'n' cheese.
then today i decided i could make it until this weekend to go to the grocery store again.
i also have a headache.
i tended a friend's vending machines for a minute or two.
broke stuff.
got a printer again.
paid some bills (sob).
been in a parade.
started work on that christmas show.
t.a.-ed some classes.
broke out the damn space heater at my apartment.

yeah...

i've been ridiculously busy, in other words. which, is okay. actually, it'd be a-okay and no worries at all if i were getting paid for the majority of this stuff. not the social stuff, clearly, but uh...yeah. and i reckon some things, i do get paid for. but it's about to get VERY VERY scary at the ponderosa del krueger. Very Scary. and i ain't talkin' about halloween, folks.

the big hope - other than the jobs i've replied to - is that i'll get some work through this agency. that would be bad-ass. one or two gigs a month and i might be okay. really. which is ideal. of course, there's zero gauruntee of that. i have no clue how to spell gaurantee. that second time seems closer, nu?

anypoo...uh, i say i've lost my mind for any number of reasons. but the most pressing one at this moment is the 'applying to a job at the ga aquarium'. mama hates aquariums. they're dark and creepy and those fish stare right the fuck back at you. they're creepy, creepy places. even the ones that try to use natural light. but the job that i've applied to is pretty cool - if it's what i think it is. the description on all three websites (including the aquarium web site) is REALLY vague, but it sounds like another 'alternative education' type of teaching thing. which i am 100% down with. and yeah, i'd love to do some office work, but this would be super-cool too.

so we'll see what happens. maybe something. maybe nothing. either way, by the time november hits, mama's gotta have an income supplement or...man....

wish me luck kids, this job market is total bullshit right now. even for part-time assholes like me.

oh wait, no

there's more.

this is the fall, and in the fall i tend to have really strange, vivid dreams. spring, too. damn you, transitional seasons! i think this is partially because fall tends to be me making big life changes, and spring tends to be a giant relief for me. in any event, weird dreams. a lot. and they're sometimes funny. so i share now a funny one and leave it up to interpretation.

so, i'm standing around with a bunch of friends, chatting away, and we're all talking about our days or whatever, and someone asks me what i did all day. and i go 'ugh, i was at work all day'. and then my dream jump cuts to my work. my work in this dream, apparently was sitting in a really hot room all day, poking some guy wearing tighty-whiteys in the balls with a sawed off broomstick. his job was, apparently, to be poked by me in the balls with a sawed off broomstick. i had some vague idea that this may have been for science, but there wasn't anyone watching or keeping track of what was happening. i couldn't see the dudes face, absolutely zero abuot this dream was sexy. all i could see was underwears, some torso, some thighs. i'd poke him, pretty gently in the balls, wait for him to sound like he was not in pain and then poke him again. all day. this was my job.

i have no clue what this means. unless me poking a dude in the balls was somehow analagous to working at norcostco...which...i kind of doubt. although, i dunno, i remember hating the balls-poking job in the dream and i REALLY hated the norcostco...so..who can say?

but yeah. it's pretty funny. no? get drunk, then read this again. Funny? Funny.

startling revelations!

1. i feel bad that i don't have an 'adult' understanding of catholicsm (i.e. the religion i was raised in). possibly bad enough to head to mass. Schwa? me too.

2. nah, that's really the only one i've had today. but it knocked me out for a minute or two.

technical difficulties

so...

i've started my new job and am still at the old job until sept 6. so, right now (and probably once i find a new part-time job) my monday through thursday work day is 8:30 - 6. that's a long time. and that's early. Early.

i make no secret about my sleep difficulties. i have issues both falling asleep and waking up (although i'm more hopeful abuot the waking up now that i have a job that i enjoy). falling asleep is my cross to bear, i suppose, but waking up...that can be a bad thing. earlier this year, when i was donig the school tour, i bouhgt a clip lamp and attatched it to the bookshelf next to my bed. i also bought a hideous light bulb that gives off REALLY bright light for it. i put it on a timer so that it would go off roughly when my alarms were going off at like 5am. it helped, it realy did. that light is a bitch. but without the sound added to it i sleep right through it.

this job makes me worried about over-sleeping. so, for this week, i've been doing my usual thing for wake-em-ups - set my old alarm clock that plays music and alarm at the same time, set my cell phone alarm, set the both alarms on the clock with two alarms on it, set the lamp thing. i also added to my wake up menagerie the most annoying alarm clock ever. Ever. and i've had some pretty ridiculously annoying alarm clocks in my day.

this guy is a little orb with knobs on it. it's shaped that way (presumably) because it has a setting where it will vibrate and you can actually put it in bed with you so it shakes the bed. this is why i bought this alarm. now, there are classier versions of the shaking alarm clock - i'm told - that cost upwards of $50. i do not have upwards of $50 to spend on anythign right now, nevermind an alarm clock. so i spent $15 on this guy at target. if you'll notice, i keep replying to this thing as a guy. that's because it has voices. 7 'different' voices to wake you up. i say 'different' because it's clearly just one guy doing horrible dialects and impressions. like bad john wayne, bad marlon brando as the godfather, bad hindi dude, bad not effeminite enough but clearly supposedly gay stereotype dude.

ah, the voices. the voices are what make me want to get up. because, unless you press snooze, the thing repeats it's little beep-beep, stupid phrase, and vibrate cycle until you hit snooze or turn the thing off. it's wretched. Wretched. and, call me crazy, but i believe it's a totem hell bent on destroying all other electronics in my room.

wtf, eve?

well, i'll tell ya wtf...monday during the day, my timer for my light stopped working. this happens about once a month, i just have to reset it, no big whoop. but it had already happened like three days prior. i had just reset it. which, you know, i'm a cheapie, the thing may be dying. taken alone, i wouldn't think anything of this.

i also wouldn't take by itself my older alarm clock getting stuck in the 'sleep' mode as any thing to worry about. it fell, apparently on it's face, and now it thinks it's on sleep and the face only reads 0:00. which is annoying, but the alarm still went off, so i guess i'm okay. this happened yesterday.

again, the two events seemed unconnected and the alarm clock falling was directly due to my actions, so, whatever.

well, then it got weird. i've got this lightsaber in my room from the episode I marketing blitz. it was part of my graduation from high school present. i don't play with this thing a lot, but it's fairly classy. it's got the 'chinese yo-yo' style flip out, push button light and sound. it's nice. i have it leaning just inside my bedrooom door in front of my bookshelf, because that's apparently where i put it when i moved in and i haven't found another place for it yet.

so today, after both works and therapy, i get home and i'm feeding the cat and i walk in my room to check my answering machine (yes, i still have a land line). and i actually have three messages. none of which were junk, well, i'm about to press the answering machine button and i hear -SSCCCHHFWING! wom wom wom- and my lightsaber, which i'm a good 4 feet from and which the cat is no where near has decided to turn itself on. i walk over and press the button a couple of times, try waving it around, nothing. thing stays on. so i check my messages and it's auto-turn off thing shuts it down in a minute or so.

and then about 15 minutes later (when i'm trying to lay down for a nap) it goes on again. and shuts itself off. this happened another 3 times in the span of about an hour. i knew it happened two more times because they both woke me up. the third one i know about because it got incorporated into my dream.

anyway...none of these things happened before this stupid talking vibrating alarm came into my life. which, i mean, i'm totally open to the possibility that this is all just random and explainable and will soon pass. but i'm also a total dweeb who is open to the possibility that this stupid talking alarm clock is going to kill everything electronic.

hmm.

well. i have to go to sleep. i'm tired, really tired. this week has worn me out. and it's only half-way done. sheesh. i think i might make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich though. i forgot to buy breakfast food at the store this weekend. yay for dweeb-dom.