parte dos: everything in between

point a - this week

when an audition calls for an actress to be mid to late 20's, witty, intelligent, and (glory be) tall, i should probably go ahead and audition. and i did. and i didn't do well.

in the audition room i was witty and intelligent. i was tall and mid to late 20's (though there's not a whole lot i can do abuot that either way). i jsut wasn't any of these things when i was reading.

here's the deal with the theatre crap: i've had more auditions between now and april than i've had since i graduated from college. this is good. and there have been some auditions that i'ev been called to and not gone to. this is also good-ish. what is less good is i haven't actually booked anything. i'm 'making the rounds' and getting nothing. it's frustrating. and i really do feel like i've had more good reads than bad. sometimes it's a good read for a part that i would be terrible at. or i get a callback and i'm grateful, but someone else gets it. these things happen. it's what happens.

it would just be nice to get paid.

oh money, you old bastard you. i'm not making money at my day job. i mean, i am, but it's just enough to get by. which, kind of defeats the purpose of a steady day job, no? like, if i'm supposed to get enough to live on and health insurance and also be able to 'do theatre', shouldn't i actually be getting enough to do all those things?

well, i'm not. so i'm applying to jobs like a mad woman. in fact, i'm taking a mini-break (that doesn't include dim sum) from dad's right now to partly apply to jobs like a mad woman. now, i tend to have a harder time getting an interview (the audition of the real world), but if i can get an interview, i can generally get the job. since i started at my current job (3-ish months ago...seriously) i've had two interviews and a second interview. i did well in all three. in fact, i did so well in my second interview that i've been offered a job.

this job is great. it's with an arts organization in town that i adore - both what they do and the people who i know that work there. it's with a program that's REALLY badass. i mean seriously, it's cool. it uses the customer service skills that i've picked up, performance stuff, teaching experience (both that i already have and building on that), gives more tech skills, and i'd get to make awesome arts and crafts. every day. how cool is that?

so, waht's stopping me, and what i've been taking the weekend to process, is that the gig is part-time. oh, part-time... now, if it were part time and more than i'm making hourly, it'd be no problem. take the job, get something else that pays more than minimum wage and i'm set to make at least what pittance i'm making now. but hourly it works out to about what i'm trying to live off of now. which is not enough. and once again, if i'm leaving this job not just because i hate it, but also because i need to get paid, there are so many unknowns in taking this job, that i don't know if i can do it.

i just want to take it. really badly. but i'm not sure in the least that i can.

today i have spent some time on some job sites looking at part-time jobs that want 20 hours a week and how much they'd pay (i've also kept busy today doing any chore i can think of so as to avoid commiting to a decision). some things pay pretty well and don't seem mind-numbing. some things don't. either way, there's no promise that i'd get any of these promising jobs. and then i still don't know if i'd be doing alright, or if i'd want to say the hell with it, or if i'd have time to do a show if i ever actually book one.

oh time, the other thing that i don't get that seems to rule my life jsut as much as money...

the fact is, i need more time. for everything. to look for jobs, to do theatre, to do dad's, to visit grandma.

ah? what's that eve? i thought you said grandmas all live in chicago?

so they did. but this week my parents were up there moving grandma morawski down here. and on friday i was helping them move her into their house. and she'll be moving to an assisted living place in another week or two. this is because she can't take care of herself anymore and we're the family.

i'm happy to have her here, i don't worry as much that way, and i actually - in theory - can see her on a regular basis instead of once a year. in theory i'd like to make it up there to visit once a week. dno't know if this will actually happen or not.

the thing is, this is really, really hard on my parents. for so many different reasons - the least of which being concern for moving my 89 year old dementia-ridden grandma from the city she's lived in her whole life and the place she's lived in for 20 years. it's difficult. and i want to be there for them more. and, it's really really hard to do.

grandma herself is apparently worse off than my folks originally thought. but this might also be because of the move itself. i don't know. she doesn't really know what's going on right now. which is no good. sigh. it's a...it's depressing.

so, yes virginia, there is a point b in all of this. i have no clue what it is. zero. or how to get there from here. but i've made it through this long week at least, and will make it through the next one too.

i don't know.

anyway...my tomorrow morning will be one of two things (and i hope i know which one before i go to bed tonight) eventually leading to one of a million point b's: (1) i call and do not accept the job, continue job hunt, eventually find something; or (2) call and accept the job, call my soon to be boss (it's hard to explain) in new jersey, call corporate in minneapolis, tell my co-worker, try to finagle part-timing at current gig until they find a replacement or i find something lucrative-ish...wonder about what the future may hold.

so yeah. it's been a rough week. and a really long weekend. and i'm not done yet, dammit.